Thursday, February 24, 2011

I am wholey...

This could be my last post on this. I will be switching to tumblr... maybe. It could be a temporary tryst, but who knows, maybe I'll fall in love and remarry.

Something I realized: Being broken doesn't mean to be sad, but to be broken of my indendent nature. I am not broken, I am whole because of Jesus. He is the light shining in me, and he bought this jar of clay, not to keep, but to make new and wonderful by putting a treasure (himself) inside.

Life isn't great if I'm expecting to be satisfied through school, job, or even friendships. Life is great when I'm satisfied by the Gospel, by Jesus living in my heart, by God being with me.

My life is complete cuz I'm complete.

Gotta step back from the problems in my face and see how small they are amidst the mountain of faithfulness and grace that God gives and has given to me.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

This will be the year...

Time as it passes seems so slow, so when looking back it's usually a surprise to see how much of it has gone by.

During the new year, it's really easy to get into the mindset of "Ok this year will be different because I'm going to start doing this and this and this..." and yeah. But I think for me, every new year or birthday is more like a wake up call of how quickly life goes by. At 22, I know somewhat and sense the brevity of my time on this earth. I feel it in my teeth (which are hanging in there), my knees ache, I sense the dulling of my mind, and the blah of life.

But I am excited. I am very excited about the life I'm living now and the life I am going to live. There are so many problems, but I have the solution. It's so bright and clear.

At age 22, I'm able to say that my life is complete. I am loved. I am cherished.

It's so silly to constantly seek identity from this world. I turn to him for my identity. I'm not korean. I'm not American. I'm not the funny guy. I'm not the happy guy. I'm not the person who has it all together. But I'm not a loser. I'm not a victim. I'm a child of my God. That's who I am. My identity is based on something more than political institutions, biology, and the whims of people. I am who I am because He has said who I am. Since I was born of this world, I used to be of the world. But since I've been born again, I've taken on this new identity.

If I do have a goal for this year, it's going to be to stop victimizing myself to my situations or people and simply live. Live because I have been delivered. Even though everything is not quite perfect, live because things will never be perfect. So I hope to keep remembering to stop waiting. I'm not very brave, but I can stop living in fear because I have Jesus. And he has me.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The top must stop spinning...

It's time for me to be awake. I think I've been sleeping for the last few months.

Being a zombie, trudging through my day. My mind melted, my eyes glazed over. Nothing happening inside. I'm awake but asleep, asleep but not at rest. What a problem it is to seek sleep when I need rest.<br class="khtml-block-placeholder">

I've done this by literally sleeping. I've done this by wathing netflix nonstop. Reading forever on the endless internet. While I'm watching or reading it is fun. But then it ends. And either I read more or I stop feeling unsatisfied. But when will I ever be satisfied by things that aren't good enough to do so? I've shut off my mind and it's really done a number on me. I've felt no energy, no will to do anything really. Sometimes it's good to hit the bottom to jar yourself to look up and see the sky.

The bible always talks about rest. But not rest like sleep, but rest from all the work being done and enjoying what was finished. That's why God rested after creating everything in six days. He wasn't tired, he was enjoying his creation. I really need to enter God's rest. In the midst of emptiness, I need to stop and enjoy the work he finished. That he did it all for me and I did absolutely nothing. That right now, even as I am doing nothing, I am loved perfectly. I am enjoyed. I need to enjoy the fact that he enjoy and loves me as much as his son. Only that will bear fruit. Otherwise its just me.&nbsp;

I'm tired. I don't want to sleep anymore. This sleep is restless.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Dear Satan...

I'm not going to lose to you.

You're smarter than me.

But your lies can't shake the truth that Jesus is in me and he's with me. That I'm a child of God. That the Gospel is the most beautiful thing. That Jesus is my friend. He is my brother. He is who I need. And however I'm doing, He's holding on to me.

You're trying to rob us of truth. You're trying to take our eyes off Jesus.

But even though we might lose some battles, the war has already been won. And that's why I say this:

You can't beat me.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Unspoken...

I've tried meeting with you so many times over the past three years only for you to flake. And it's not just you so maybe people just think I'm too good-natured to get mad or anything. But yeah maybe these are all the things I would've to say to you.

I want you to know that I am ok. I am the best I have ever been. Not right now maybe, because you've blown me off yet again but I'm still at peace even in my sadness and bitterness. It's this peace that I wanted to share with you. But you don't want to know me anymore I guess. Am I inconvenient for you? Are you running away? What is it?

There's a part of me that's been dead ever since you've been away doing whatever crap it is you're doing. I don't care about people the same way I used to. I still can't help but be distant and feel distant from people. It's not your fault completely. Still, what hurt the most was you.

I'm glad that it happened because it took a road of walking on glass for me to finally get to where I wanted to be. I had to lose everything. I thought to be happy that I needed you to be my friend but it turns out I just needed to turn to Jesus.

But now that I'm at this place, I've felt ready finally to have my friend back. We grew up together. What... happened? You just dissappeared. And this whole year I've been trying just to have one real talk. But the only time we saw each other was through random chance. You say "okay yeah let's meet up!" and then nothing happens. I'm tired of vouching for you to myself.

I have to move on. I give up. I know that you can't be perfect. And that's ok because I can't be perfect either. I'm only human. I'm only me. But because of that I can't keep running around chasing you, or chasing the past forever. It hurts too much.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Not morality or immorality...

I heard a Pastor talking about Christians "practicing immorality... doing things that are not appropriate for a Christian... and worshiping God."

This statement in a way assumes THEY are practicing immorality and HE is practicing morality. Morals are good, (we all would prefer someone who hugs rather than murders) but preaching morality in that way gives the false idea that to be right with God you must stop doing the bad things and be good. And that being moral is possible.

Can you be good on your own? Yes and no. You can be moral to an extent. You can act morally good. Do morally good things and abstain from bad. But when is it under God's eye that by your acts you aren't immoral anymore? You can be ok if you consider sin to be the only sin. What do I mean? The issue os sin is deeper than immorality. In fact in Romans, Paul states "doing anything apart from faith is sin." You could be "not sinning (meaning not cheating/murdering/lying/etc)" and do every moral good act out there while in a state of unbelief. But according to Paul, unbelief in the promises of God is sin. Unbelief that Jesus loves you is sin.

The pastor criticized altar calls in the US being the assurance of salvation. I agree wholeheartedly with what he said about that as altar calls are often completely superficial and merely an act of the body. But in the same way that an alter call is merely a physical thing and not spiritual, so is the act of "trying to not do" inappropriate things in a state of unbelief.

I understand where the Pastor is coming from. He wants people to stop doing certain "immoral" things. He wants real believers who are saved and not people who live life in sin who think they are saved. But when is it ever enough to say that you are finally being a "good Christian" and leading the good Christian life? Because Jesus said to in order to enter heaven your righteousness must surpass that of the Pharisees and you must "be perfect."

Matthew 7
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Isn't it better to continually measure yourself by what Jesus has done for you and the finality of it. That through him God declares you righteous and holy. If you first believe in it, life enters into you, you are saved. When you are in belief your life will change.

There's no physical formula for believing besides hearing Truth and believing. God is the one who will unscale your blind eyes. There's a false message that exists of "trying" to stop doing things in order for you to "know" be "secure" about salvation. What is the answer for this word "sanctification" that so many Christians theologians and ministers and leaders mess up? Because shouldn't a Christian be "getting better"?

To that, I will say this. To be truly blessed you need to continue to do the work of God. The work of God is the only thing that can save you and the only thing that will keep you. When the hard times hit you need to do the work of God. If you don't continually do the work of God you will still be saved but you will find life burdensome and difficult. But what is the work of God?

John 6
 28 Then [the disciples] they asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?"
 29 Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent."

The Christian life isn't found in trying "not to do" but in doing the work God requires. Believing in the one he has sent. God loves you. You are his child. This needs to be reality. Don't just agree. God doesn't want agreers. He wants believers. He doesn't want you to just know. He wants you to KNOW (in an experiential relationship sense). Christian life isn't hard. Life is hard. Jesus is the only one that makes it bearable. You just gotta believe.

P.S. Notice how Jesus answered in singular form (work vs works). This one work leads to all things naturally. The fruits in life are from the spirit of one who believes.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Alone...

It hurts to be alone. I like solitude. But I don't like being alone.

It gets lonely.

I feel semi-conflicted right now. I think I want to spend some time feeling bad. Feeling sorry for myself. But at the same time I know that my sadness is so silly. It's like I'm crying over a cup of spilt milk when there's a magical cow that can spew limitless chocolate milk right next to me. Not the perfect analogy, but oh well.

But right now I'm purposefully keeping my eyes off the cow. But I know that when I am ready, the cow will come to me and nuzzle it's little head against me and say "Got milk?" and I'll say "Nope, please I need some."

I'm happy to say that this isn't like the past though, where I didn't know where the answer was. It's not in me. It's not in my friends. Well technically it's in me. But the answer isn't me.

Like multiple choice tests, the answer is always C.